Another semester comes to a close, full of strife and public debate. As your personal best source of actual factual information, I would like to recap some of the major news stories of the past three months.
USG ELECTIONS HELD
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan personally supervised free elections in the hotbed of Baruch, citing a "dire need" for solidarity and order in the troubled university. Rumors of insurgency violence escalated in the days before the pivotal vote, with ethnic tensions burning high in one of the most diverse universities in the region.
No bombings were reported, though the army was on full alert. However, protesters lined the hallways chanting slogans against what has been called an imposed system of democracy. Political scandal was unavoidable, though tasteful journalism kept backlash to a minimum. Turnout was expected to be record-breaking, as even the poor and infirm traveled many miles by goat to be able to cast their ballots.
A BUNCH OF COOL PEOPLE LIKE TOTALLY HUNG OUT RIGHT AROUND HERE
In the past semester, Adam Sandler, Liv Tyler, Matisyahu and Parker Posey (seriously) all totally hung out around here, though you probably didn't see them. They were noted to be "Right (expletive deleted) there!" and "I coulda totally said hi or something!" Alberto Edwards, freshman, said, "It's really cool that all these cool people were like right around here. I mean, if I had been there, wouldn't that have been something?"
Marcia Hernandez, sophomore, said, "I could write their name on a sheet of paper and say I got their autograph, then I could show it to people and they'd be like 'Wow!'"
BEARCATS BEAT HAWKS, LOSE TO HYPE
Even after beating fellow Lexington Avenue rivals the Hunter Hawks in a 107-81 rout, the Baruch Bearcats were soundly overpowered by Hype, in a match-up which had students crying, "Oh come on already!" for weeks beforehand. Sports coach Cameron Zee, sweeping up powder blue paraphernalia and discarded extra large t-shirts, said, "I know my boys can play ball, but they were put against overwhelming odds. I mean we trained for months, but still weren't able to build up the momentum Hype generated in only a few weeks."
LIBERALS SPEAK OUT
Tired of being shushed out of classes for speaking liberalese, area Democrats launched a grassroots letter writing campaign to regain their minority voice in a culture hostile to damn hippies. Facing the overwhelming popularity of Republicans such as Donald Rumsfeld, Kenneth Lay and Vice President Dick Cheney, many students feel that it had become taboo to poke fun at or otherwise malign the names of such leading figures.
"It's getting so we don't have a voice anymore," said senior Ed Hoffman. "I wish there were more people like me, then we could have rallies or something. Maybe we could wear funny t-shirts saying things about Bush, perhaps even relating his name to an actual bush."
In response, House Speaker Rush Limbaugh merely chortled from his inlaid diamond latrine and then flushed.
SOMEONE WINS SOMETHING
In a record-breaking season, some Baruch team won something this semester to the surprise and delight of a rapt student body. "This is the first time a Baruch team has won all the CUNYAC games, or something, something with letters in it. Starts with a C. But really, it's a first for Baruch. I'm very pleased, no matter who they were," said a prominent member of the administration under condition of anonymity.
A ticker tape parade is planned for the triumphant team, as soon as it is figured out who they are or what sport they play.
TRAFFIC LIGHT PUT IN MIDDLE OF STREET
At the corner of 25th street and, uh, 25th street, a traffic light was installed this semester so that a family of ducks could walk from their home in the Engleman Recital Hall to the luscious ponds of the William and Anita Newman Library. Students walking to the library are also able to use the light, but only before and after the ducks have crossed.
Stalled commuters called the ducks "cute," and fed them bagel pieces from the open windows of their rapidly overheating vehicles.
Duck activist and crossword enthusiast Gov Dibor said, "There are a million streets in the city, and this one is between where the ducks are and where they want to be." However, Naysayer's Union Local 1025 brought up the decades-old debate between Robert Moses and the late Jane Jacobs, saying that "eminent duck domain" is no excuse to destroy the cultural beauty of the middle of 25th street.
