Many of you who regularly read The Ticker, whether you pick it up between class, online or off the floor of your birdcage, know me as part-time writer of humor articles and near- to semi-factual opinion pieces. What you may not know me as, is a humanitarian. In an effort to give back to my community, I have decided to dedicate this week to answering some of the many impassioned questions people have asked me about life, love and the pursuit of hipness.
Dear David,
College is hard. I just got an internship, and am balancing six classes with twenty hours of work plus clubs and activities - I can't keep up. I don't get enough sleep, I get sick often and my bowels move with alarming disregularity. What can I do?
- PanicInTheRestroom
Dear Panic,
Ah, I've heard this complaint a million times (minus the bowels bit, which I will ignore). Let me introduce you to a concept which I call Dave's Law of Simplicities. In the Middle Ages it was known as Occam's Dave Razor and in the Renaissance as the second law of thermodavedynamics.
 The bitterness of love was never far from the minds of Greta and Werther |
So if you're faced with school, a job and activities, just ask yourself, "Which of these activities can I slack off most on?" The answer is usually school.
Sometimes, one's mental health requires one to sleep through a class or two. This is fine, as potential employers will understand.
To drive the point home I recommend periodically checking one's self into a hospital for "exhaustion," that way employers know you're serious.
If female, don't be afraid to add flashes of "crack-whore" to your wardrobe; men should down some aromatic alcohol before all interviews. This creates an image of weariness which is impossible not to excuse.
Also, you'll be delegating things all throughout your professional career, so make a point to start early. Remember, there are literally millions of homeless persons in this very city that you can induce into your homeworkforce. But if you do take advantage of these human resources, be sure to hire another one to recheck the first's work just in case. It's not like you're going to run out of bums.
If you have Spanish homework, I recommend finding a Spanish bum. If you have English homework, I get one from England. They're harder to find but totally worth it, and the way they pronounce things is funny.
Dear David,
I am graduating in a few months and still don't know what to do with my life. I have no job lined up and didn't learn anything at all. How will I be able to face the future?
- SuperSenior
Heil SS,
Remember, you are young. College is the time to be irresponsible, and there's no reason not to prolong that for as long as you possibly can.
Instead of trying for dead-ends like "internships" or "grad schools," I recommend a carefully researched plan of mooching and freeloading. Remember, you can always thank your friends and family later in your tell-all autobiography.
 Some people can't be held responsible for their actions |
As for family: you owe them everything, so it just makes sense that they owe you too. Taking advances on familial love now while you're young is a great way to avoid having to deal with them when you're older.
Dear David,
What is the domain of f(x) = (9x -2 )^3/2
- MathManManhattan
Dear Algebra-face,
If we understand, as Freud did, that f (x) represents the father, and the power of 3/2 is the self-image as relates to the prepubescent, this formula is clearly about your latent desire to have sex with your second cousin.
Since your second cousin is a dude, I recommend you balance this equation with a dose of repression. Take the formula within yourself, and with your digestive juices break it down into its residual parts, absorbing what is useful and expelling the rest.
If the formula is not on an easily-chewed piece of paper and instead on a computer, I recommend doing the same with all or part of the motherboard.
Dear David,
I read a bi-weekly column on thinking positively, and now it seems that I'm thinking positive all hours of the day, all days of the week. My friends have noticed and are beginning to question me, asking me if I'm "all there." It's like happiness is taking over my life, little by little. I don't even remember who I am anymore! What should I do?
- PowerOfPositives
Dear PoPo,
Happiness is a debilitating and awkward disease affecting the personal, social and professional lives of many persons. While there is no cure for happiness, most experts recommend you just "suffer through it," since it rarely runs longer than 24 hours. More often its effects last between 5 and 20 minutes.
Chronic happiness, however, is more devastating. If you find your friends and family avoiding you, whispering behind your back, or making wild gestures with their hands behind you while you're talking, you may have a problem with chronic happiness.
The best way to snap yourself out of an episode of happiness is to sit in a dimly lit place and take a quiet account of your life, your career, your relationships, the state of your country and the failure of the United Nations in hedging nuclear proliferation.
There, don't you feel less happy already?
A little "reality check" like this goes a long way to curing you of long-term happiness. Without this grounding you may be lost in your own schizophrenic fantasies forever, or at least until you stub your toe, lose a pet in a sewer grate or get dumped for a performance artist.
Recommended reading: Ecclesiastes, On Melancholia by Keats, the Odyssey Book IX (The Lotus Eaters) or your local newspaper.
